What if this was some terrible joke?

 Some moments I think - "what if this was some terrible April Fool's joke?"  One day, I will wake up and in my gmail will be an email telling me "just kidding, come back to work."  How incredibly cruel would that be?

I keep telling people that time passes so strangely after a traumatic event.  Almost two months passed in a blink of an eye.  My life and career trajectory has been altered so dramatically.  I wonder why others aren't thrown off their axis.  It's weird to be around people who are still living their lives, normal as ever.  Here I am, lost without work home but my purpose in life is screaming, " I wasn't f*cking done yet!"  It honestly feels like no one cares and I am alone in my grief, wasting away.  I feel stuck like Han Solo in the carbonite.  Where's my Princess Leia to save me?  I guess I have to save myself.  I'm the f*cking princess.  

I'm looking at my daily desk calendar, the kind where you tear away a page-a-day.  The last time I tore a sheet was Wednesday, May 21st.  It's been a week and I just noticed.  That's my life now.  Stuck on a week old calendar page.  I'm seriously surprised it doesn't still say April 1st, the day my career life ended.  The day I was frozen in the carbonite.  

If I did receive that rescission notice, in some alternate version 19,999 universe (not trying to keep my hopes up), would I go back?  Would I go back to my job and act like I wasn't just f*cked over?  Could I just hold my head up high and continue serving my country?  I don't know.  With each passing day, I just don't know if I could do it for the next four years.  I'd be selling my soul, holding my tongue, hating my life, hardening my heart, and becoming more and more jaded by the millisecond.  Right now, I feel like there is still hope.  After talking with folks and being surrounded by love, family, community, and nature, I am buoyed by people doing amazing things with their one life.  Would I lose this feeling if I went back to the fascist?  Has my heart moved on?  Maybe it's grown a protective shell and it doesn't want to be heartbroken again.  I guess I'm still in the carbonite.  I just don't know.  Maybe it's better if the opportunity never came so I wouldn't have to make the choice.