Jealousy
Did you know that I am a jealous person? When my mom was nice to other kids growing up, I would get horribly upset and cry. I would do this until my mom yelled at me to stop and told me that I would always be her only daughter and that she would love me the most of course! She also said that if I didn't stop throwing a tantrum she would spank me. So, I guess I stopped since I don't remember too many spankings. Or maybe I figured out that she would always love me the most (well, me and my two brothers) and I finally believed her.
Now that I am a mom, I find myself once again feeling jealous. Will my baby love me the most? Will he still want to breastfeed after learning how to drink from a bottle? I can't help but feel pangs of jealousy stab at my heart as I watch Cheng or Cheng's mom feed the baby with a bottle. Aren't I the only one who should be able to nourish my child? Maybe if others can feed my baby, he'll begin to love me less and he won't need my anymore.
The irony is that I'm typing this and he's at my breast happily sucking away. What this is really all about is fear - I am afraid that my baby won't love me as much as I love him. He'll prefer someone else to me and that he'll break my heart. I realize this sounds crazy but this new role as a mom is making feel vulnerable, like all my cards are on the table face up. I've got no ace up my sleeve.
My mom always told me that there are things that I would not understand until I became a parent myself. I remember a conversation that I had with her regarding her cooking for my two grown brothers. I told her that she needed to stop cooking a week's-full of meals for them and delivering food to their apartment since they were well past 21 years of age and could fend for themselves. She told me that I couldn't understand her motivation because I didn't know what it feels like to have your own child hungry and wanting food. I remember thinking that she was talking some crazy-talk. Now that I have my 5+ week-old baby, I'm think I'm beginning to get an inkling of what my mom was talking about. Maybe she wasn't talking crazy-talk after all.
Perhaps, mom is always right after all.
Now that I am a mom, I find myself once again feeling jealous. Will my baby love me the most? Will he still want to breastfeed after learning how to drink from a bottle? I can't help but feel pangs of jealousy stab at my heart as I watch Cheng or Cheng's mom feed the baby with a bottle. Aren't I the only one who should be able to nourish my child? Maybe if others can feed my baby, he'll begin to love me less and he won't need my anymore.
The irony is that I'm typing this and he's at my breast happily sucking away. What this is really all about is fear - I am afraid that my baby won't love me as much as I love him. He'll prefer someone else to me and that he'll break my heart. I realize this sounds crazy but this new role as a mom is making feel vulnerable, like all my cards are on the table face up. I've got no ace up my sleeve.
My mom always told me that there are things that I would not understand until I became a parent myself. I remember a conversation that I had with her regarding her cooking for my two grown brothers. I told her that she needed to stop cooking a week's-full of meals for them and delivering food to their apartment since they were well past 21 years of age and could fend for themselves. She told me that I couldn't understand her motivation because I didn't know what it feels like to have your own child hungry and wanting food. I remember thinking that she was talking some crazy-talk. Now that I have my 5+ week-old baby, I'm think I'm beginning to get an inkling of what my mom was talking about. Maybe she wasn't talking crazy-talk after all.
Perhaps, mom is always right after all.
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